


Dear Diary

by liztrade



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Dawnverse, Diary/Journal, Divorce, Elementary School, F/M, False Memories, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Sisters, Sunnydale
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-07-13 23:32:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 15,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7142858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liztrade/pseuds/liztrade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dawn Summers has just been given a journal by her father. Her parents are divorcing, and Hank Summers thinks this might help Dawn cope. Her big sister Buffy is acting strange, and her mother is stressed. How does Dawn go through life when everything seems to be different? She writes.</p><p>Dawn writes about LA, and she writes about her new home in Sunnydale. Of lost friendships, and of new ones too. She writes about her parents, and about growing up. She likes to write about secrets too. Secrets she keeps from her family, and a secret about her sister.</p><p>These are Dawn's journal entries that she "wrote" between 1996 and 2000 (covering seasons 1-4, haven't decided if I'm going into 5 yet).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. November 27th, 1996

**Author's Note:**

> First and foremost, thank you for reading! It's been awhile since I've written, so I appreciate any feedback.
> 
> Secondly, I believe this is the first time that I've written from the perspective of a child. Because Dawn is in the 4th grade, her writing has developed quite yet. She'll get there eventually.
> 
> Thirdly, I have not read the Buffy comics. I know they are considered canon, but after reading summaries, I've chosen to write my own version of Dawn's false memories, as well as the chronology of any pre-Buffy events. For example, in this version of events, Buffy and Joyce will move to Sunnydale in time for the spring semester. Some things might be similar to the comics, but for the most part, any similarities could be purely coincidence.

Dear Diary,

You are my first diary. So I’m not sure exactly what to do here. Just write?

My name is Dawn Summers. Is that too formal?

Hi, I’m Dawn Summers (better?). My birthday is August 31st, 1986, so I’m ten years old. I have brown hair and blue eyes. I live in Los Angeles, California in a house with my family. I have a big sister named Buffy. And my parents are named Joyce and Hank.

My parents are divorcing.

That’s why I have you. Dad thought I could write out my feelings, maybe it’d help with the crying.

I cried all last week.

Mom and Dad had been arguing a little lately. They always stopped when I walked into whatever room they were in, but it was always awkward for a bit. Buffy talked to me a little about it, but she hasn’t been spending a lot of time at home over the past few months. She stays out late, and she comes home with blood on her shirt, pants, or arms. Mom and Dad said that she’s been hanging around the wrong sort of crowd, which isn’t like her. Buffy is perfect. She’s skinny, she has pretty blonde hair, and she’s a cheerleader. She’s got to be one of the most popular girls in school, and she isn’t even 16 yet!

Anyways, last week, Mom and Dad were really quiet during dinner. Finally, after what felt like an hour of silence, Buffy asked if there was something wrong.

Mom said, “Girls, there’s something we need to tell you.” And that’s never a good thing to hear.

Dad continued with “What you need to know is this has nothing to do with you-”

“It’s us,” Mom added.

Buffy’s eyes got big. “Oh god,” she said softly. “Are you getting a divorce?”

Mom and Dad got quiet again. “It just isn’t working out,” Dad said.

My world felt like it was shattering. I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. I really couldn’t. I don’t remember what I said exactly, but I think it was something like “Don’t you love us anymore?” or something like that.

Mom said that they did, that they loved us so much, but they were finding that maybe they didn’t love each other anymore. Then Dad said something about him moving out in a couple weeks when he found an apartment, that we could stay with whoever we wanted, whenever we wanted, because we’d all be close to each other. I don’t really remember what else was said. It was almost in slow motion.

Buffy didn’t say anything else. She just stared at her plate.

Later that night, I saw Dad move some stuff into the guest room. He said he loved me, and that he was really sorry that it didn’t work out. Before I went to bed, Mom said the same thing. Buffy just looked tired and gave me a big hug.

I haven’t told anyone this, but I heard her crying that night. She kept saying “it’s my fault”, which is dumb, because it couldn’t be her fault. She’s perfect.

It’s been one week, and Dad’s still in the guest bedroom. He looked at a few apartments yesterday, and is planning on going out again on Monday. He can’t tomorrow since it’s Thanksgiving and everything will be closed. Mom’s doing alright, she’s mostly staying busy with work. And Buffy? Well, I haven’t seen her a lot. She has a lot of extra cheerleading practices, apparently.

A few years ago, we rented this movie called The Parent Trap. It was about two twins that meet for the first time, and decide to get their divorced parents back together. One twin goes to California, and the other goes to New York. I think it was New York. Anyways, they get their parents together in the same place, and they fall in love all over again.

I hope that happens. And it needs to happen soon. I didn’t like it when Mom and Dad were fighting, but I don’t like the awkward peace now that they’re divorcing.

Well, I need to work on homework now. Thanks for listening. Maybe I’ll do this daily. Maybe tomorrow they’ll tell us that they’re not divorcing anymore. At least I can hope that happens.

Anyways, thanks, diary. You’re pretty okay.


	2. November 28th, 1996

Dear diary,

Happy Thanksgiving! Today was not as bad as I thought it might be. Mom and Dad were pretty nice to each other, and Buffy was actually with me for the entire day. This morning, Buffy and I woke up early to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I love the balloons, floating way up above the streets. Buffy likes the music and the dancers.

Dad joined us midway through the parade. It’s always been a tradition to watch it, just the three of us, so at least that hasn’t changed.

Mom was making dinner during the parade. Somehow, all of our other family members are out of the state, so it was just the four of us today. And even though I was nervous, things were alright.

When the parade ended, Buffy and I went into the kitchen to help Mom cook dinner, and Dad decided to help too! I stirred gravy while Buffy and Dad peeled potatoes. Mom had just put the turkey into the oven when Dad made a joke about something, and Mom actually laughed! I think it’s too soon to hope they’ll get back together, but it was still nice.

We ate peanut butter sandwiches for lunch (weird tradition, but it’s our tradition), then continued to cook into the afternoon. We took a break at 2:00 to watch Miracle on 34th Street, another tradition. Then Dad and Buffy played chess for awhile. I don’t really get it, but they were both really into it. They both were super serious, and Dad’s forehead crinkled, like it always does when he’s thinking. Mom and I both read when they were playing. She had this really fancy looking art journal. It was filled with all of this weird pottery that I would never consider art. One time, I told Buffy that I didn’t really get why some art was put in museums, and she just shrugged and said that some people have different tastes. Anyways, I finished reading one of the Babysitters Club books, Stacey’s Big Crush. I really like those books. Maybe in a couple years, I can start my own club with some of my friends.

Before dinner, we all said what we were thankful for. Mom was thankful for our health, and Dad said he was thankful for his morning commute having no traffic. Buffy smiled about that and said “Okay, Mr. Working Man, what are you really thankful for?” which I laughed about. Then Dad said that he “was thankful to have two beautiful daughters who gave him something to smile about every day.” Buffy said that she was thankful that we were all safe. What was I thankful for? I said that I was glad that we were all together. Mom and Dad sort of shared a look. Not a good look. It looked like they were sad. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Maybe I should have said that I was thankful for our house or something.

After we ate, we washed all of the dishes and pans, and then settled into the family room for our last Thanksgiving tradition- watching The Wizard of Oz. It didn’t feel the same though. Mom and Dad sat on opposite sides of the room, while Buffy and I shared the sofa in the middle. I fell asleep right after Dorothy and Scarecrow met the Tin Man. Too much turkey. Unfortunately, I woke up at the part when the Flying Monkeys take Dorothy. I never liked the monkeys. When I was little, Buffy used to cover my eyes during that part.

So that was Thanksgiving with the Summers. It was pretty quiet, and nothing bad happened. It almost felt normal. I still wish that Mom and Dad weren’t divorcing though. I wish that magic was real, and that Glinda the Good Witch could keep them together. It could still happen though, right?


	3. November 29th, 1996

Dear diary,

Not a lot happened today. I started reading one of Buffy’s _Sweet Valley High_ books (Mom says I’m too young for them, but I want to see what they’re like). Buffy went to her boyfriend’s house. Dad spent his day at the office, and Mom was at the gallery.

Should I tell you more about myself? I feel like that’s how this is supposed to go.

I’ve lived in LA my whole life. One of my favorite places to visit is Disneyland. When I was little, we had annual passes for a couple of years, and it was so fun to be there. I go to Lincoln Elementary School. My best friends are Sophie Harris, Susie Harris and Carrie Baum. Sophie and Susie are twins. They don’t look alike though. We’ve been best friends since kindergarten. My teacher’s name is Mrs. Ellis, and she is the absolute best teacher that I have ever had. She’s super nice, and she explains everything really well, so nobody gets lost or feels dumb. My favorite classes are English and music. I love the days in music class that we get to dance. Before the divorce news, I was trying to convince Mom that I should take dance lessons. Now doesn’t seem like the best time to ask her anymore.

I have a little crush on Sophie and Susie’s brother Adam. Adam’s in the sixth grade. He’s super cool, he’s says he’s going to play basketball in junior high. Adam is so cute. He has blond hair, just like Susie, and bright green eyes. I don’t think he notices me though.

I never met my grandparents. I don’t know if that’s something you need to know, but they all died before I was born. That makes Grandparents Day at school a little lonely. I also had a cousin who died at a hospital, which made Buffy afraid of hospitals. When I was little, I had chicken pox, and I remember her never coming to visit me, because she didn’t want to die there. Which made me nervous.

Buffy’s boyfriend’s name is Jeffrey Kramer, but everybody calls him Jeff. I don’t know a whole lot about him, actually. He’s a sophomore, like Buffy, and he plays a lot of sports. He’s on the football team, the basketball team, and the baseball team. He and Buffy met at school, but got to know each other since she was cheering at all of his games. I think Buffy really likes him. One time, I saw him kiss her on the cheek, and she blushed. Really, she turned bright red! That was in the spring, right before the spring formal.

Now that I think about it, I think the last time I saw Jeffrey was sometime in the summer, before Buffy went to camp. One night she was at home, fighting with Mom and Dad about something (I couldn’t hear, Mom sent me to my room and gave me her Walkman to listen to music), and then the next morning I was dropped off at Carrie’s because they were taking Buffy to some camp. I asked why I couldn’t go, and Dad got really quiet and said something about me being too little. Buffy was crying, which made Mom cry. Maybe she was afraid of being homesick?

Every day I asked when she was coming home, and Mom and Dad kept saying that she’d come home when she was ready to come home. I told the twins and Carrie, and they both thought it was really weird, that most camps had set dates in place. I mentioned that to my parents, and they said that maybe I should just keep Buffy’s camp to myself. Then they asked me if I knew who she was hanging out with these days, and if Buffy had said anything weird to me lately. Which she hasn’t. I mean, she’s been really concerned about my safety, but that’s it. I told them that I didn’t know anything, but I’d let them know if I did. They seemed pretty okay with that.

I guess I should have seen the divorce coming, because they argued quite a bit over the summer. Never when I was in the same room as them, but I could still hear them. They didn’t yell a whole lot, so I guess that’s good.

Anyways, Buffy came back from camp after a few weeks, and she was really quiet. I don’t think she had much fun. When I asked her how it was, she said that she “learned a lot”. She never talked about any friends that she met, or what happened there, so it doesn’t really sound like a place that I would want to be.

Every once in awhile, I see Buffy sneak back into the house at weird hours. Like, a few weeks ago, I had a hard time sleeping. It was 1:00 in the morning, and I saw her climbing up onto the roof that covers the porch, and then go back into her room. I haven’t told her that, and I have the feeling that I shouldn’t tell Mom and Dad. Just like I shouldn’t say anything about her washing blood out of her jeans a few times. The first time it happened, I told Mom, and she got really worried. When she asked Buffy how the blood got there, Buffy said that one of the guys at baseball practice had an accident, and she helped him when some other guys were calling for help. Mom believed her, but I still feel like there was something more to it. I know Jeff’s on the baseball team, but I’m not sure why Buffy would be at a practice. It’s just practice. Is it a high school thing? Another time she was covered in grass stains, and I asked her what happened. Her face got this confused look on it, she paused for awhile and said “Uhh… Jeff. Jeff! Jeff happened. Don’t tell Mom and Dad.” Then she smiled and walked away. I guess that was my big hint that they were kissing.

That’s all I’ve got for today. I’m not sure what’s going on tomorrow. Carrie and the twins are both away visiting their families, so it looks like it will be another day with me and mine.

  
Good night, diary, I really like writing to you.


	4. December 1st, 1996

Dear Diary,

I can’t believe I forgot to write yesterday. I am so sorry! Yesterday was just such a busy day.

Yesterday morning, I helped Dad look at apartments. So, you know, that was just great. Really fun.

That was sarcastic. It just means that my parents are really splitting up. The plan was for him to go tomorrow, but he said he didn’t want to just sit around and wait. So he called the realtor and then we drove around looking at empty apartments. Karen (that was the realtor’s name) kept treating me like a baby. She said things like “How are you holding up, sweetie?” and “Your dad is so lucky to have a big helper like you!” I’m ten, not a child. Whatever.

So I went with Dad, and Buffy was dress shopping with Mom. She has a winter formal next weekend, and her Homecoming dress is sort of ruined. Really, there’s dirt and maybe blood on it. We looked at maybe 5 apartments. I can’t really tell you about three of them. They all sort of looked alike. Then one of them was teeny tiny. It apparently had three bedrooms, but I think they just added a twin bed to both of the closets. It wasn’t nice.

But the last one we went to… It was perfect for Dad. Sure, it only has two bedrooms, but they were normal sized rooms, and the living room was pretty big. The kitchen is filled with ‘modern appliances’ and there’s even a pool on the roof. And he says it will be easy for him to get to work. Dad does something with computers, he’s pretty smart. Mom works at an African art gallery. She’s a curator. I don’t think I ever told you what she does, so there you go.

Dad asked me what I thought of the place. I said something like “It’s pretty great, Dad!”

Then he turned to Karen and said “If Dawnie’s on board, so am I! I’ll take it!”

So that’s that. The divorce is practically official.

We got lunch at McDonald’s after all the paperwork was signed. I only ate about half of my food. I just wasn’t hungry. Dad was leaving us. He was leaving us, and it felt so casual.

We went furniture shopping after lunch. Dad was acting so cool and normal, it didn’t feel right. He was laughing with store clerks, trying out different couches and La-Z-Boys. He had everything he liked ordered to the apartment. The grey couch. The kitchen table. The leather recliner. The desk. It was all going straight to 945 Valetta Drive, Apartment 63.

I lost my temper when we were looking at beds. We were standing in front of a wooden bunk bed when I just blurted out “Why don’t you want us anymore?”

I started crying. A lot. People were probably staring, but I couldn’t see them with my hands squeezed shut. The tears kept coming. I felt Dad wrap his arms around me. “Shhh, Dawnie-pie, shhhh,” he said quietly. “I still love you, what’s wrong?”

“You’re leaving!” I coughed. “Why are you leaving?”

Dad was quiet for a bit, and he pulled me down onto a pile of mattresses to sit with him. I could feel my face turning red. “Dawnie, your mother and I just don’t love each other like we used to. But we still love you. And I’m not leaving you. We’re getting joint custody. You can stay with me whenever you like.”

Oh. Joint custody. I started crying a little less and finally opened my eyes. Luckily, nobody was staring. “Really?” I asked.

Dad smiled. “Really. I’ll get keys made for you and Buffy for the apartment. As long as your mom and I know where you are, you can spend time at either the house, or the apartment. That’s why we’re looking at bunk beds. I know that it’s not ideal, but you and your sister will share a room. You can decorate it however you want.”

That made me feel a little better. We’ve never shared a room before, and something about it sounded fun. I made a quick trip to the restroom to wash my face, then I was as good as new. We finished our shopping spree and went home, talking about how I’d decorate the new bedroom on our drive.

Buffy went through the same stages that I did when she found out about the apartment. Only she wasn’t as happy about the shared bedroom idea. I asked her about her new dress and she perked up. Buffy went back to her room, and a couple minutes later she came out wearing this pretty light blue dress. The material is super shiny, and she looks great in it.

Speaking of Buffy, I think she’s crying about something. It’s only 9:35 in the morning. She’s definitely crying. I’ll be back later.

* * *

Something awful happened.

Buffy’s guidance counselor was killed.

His name was Mr. Merrick.

Dad saw it on the news.

Buffy’s really upset, and I guess I am a little too.

I only met him a couple times, but he always was really nice. He was an older, rounder man. Buffy started seeing him at the school in the spring. I’ve never been to the guidance counselor, but after finding out about my parents getting divorced, my teacher said I could go talk to ours if I wanted.

Anyways, all of the news stations were covering it. Mom didn’t want me listening in, so like always, she gave me her Walkman, but I never turned it on. I wanted to find out what happened.

It sounds awful. Really, no wonder that Buffy’s upset. Mr. Merrick just didn’t die normally. It wasn’t like a car accident or something like that. No, he was murdered. And whoever did it took all of his blood. All of it. Somebody found him in an alley downtown, pale white, with a note pinned into his chest. The note says “Slayer, come out and play”. That’s just wrong and creepy. Apparently there isn’t going to be a visitation or funeral here. He’s going to be buried out of the state. 

Buffy’s been in her room all day. Mom brought her a sandwich and some milk, but that’s the only time that the door’s ever been opened.

The police don’t know what to make of it. They think it’s gang related, but the lack of blood thing adds another layer. Plus, Mr. Merrick had no record of any bad behavior, so they also think it might be random, and not connected to anything.

Anyways, Dad started packing today. It’s mostly all of his clothes, he’s leaving a lot with us, like his desk. He says that Buffy or I could do our homework on it. Mom’s just been really quiet. She spent most of the day reading, and then she got up, went to the pictures on the wall, and started taking out any picture that was just of her and Dad. She said we’d have to start taking some more pictures of just the three of us. She stuck the pictures of her and Dad in the bottom of a desk drawer.

It’s getting late. School starts again tomorrow and- wait. Buffy’s sneaking out the window again. Maybe she’s meeting Jeff. Or maybe her friends Carol and Rachel. And there she goes. I don’t know how she can just jump like that. I’d be super careful if I was her.

Well, I can’t remember where I was going with the school thing. I’ll tell you all the details tomorrow night.


	5. December 2nd, 1996

Dear diary,

Today was my first day back at school. And guess what? I had music class today! That was probably the best part of the day. We played marimbas and xylophones. I like the marimbas more than the xylophones, because it’s super fun to bounce the yarn mallets up and down against the bars. We had cursive lessons today in English. Not. A. Fan. Like, it’s so much easier to print, and I was told that my ‘S’s look awful, so I have to practice them for homework.

I told Sophie and Carrie all about my break during lunch and recess. Lunch A today was gross square pizza. It’s sooooooo greasy. And the pepperonis don’t taste real. Lunch B, as always, was peanut butter and jelly, so even though I’m not crazy about the peanut butter the school uses, this was the better choice. We always hang out by the monkey bars and flip bar, and do lots of flips and tricks over there. Even though we’re probably not supposed to hang upside down off the monkey bars. Oh well. I told them about Thanksgiving, about the apartment, about Buffy’s guidance counselor. They both heard about Mr. Merrick on the news. Carrie said that he was found at like midnight, and now the police are checking into his records to see if he was doing anything illegal. That’s totally crazy. 

So. Those were the okay parts of the day. Here were the bad parts:

Dad moved out when Buffy and I were at school. Like, he left us a letter, but we didn’t get to say goodbye. In it, he said that he was going to start unpacking everything, and make it into a home, and then we could start getting our room together. So that hurts. A lot. But I think Buffy is hurting more.

On top of her guidance counselor dying,  _ and  _ Dad moving out, Buffy broke up with Jeff. Seriously. Maybe that’s where she went last night. I don’t know what happened, she didn’t say. All she told me and Mom was that she broke up with Jeff because their schedules weren’t clicking. I don’t really believe her. I don’t know what else it would be though. I asked her about what she was going to do about the dance. Buffy said that she would just have to go with her friends, even though they all have dates. I don’t know what she’s going to do. But she’s set on going.

I need to work on my homework. Those ‘s’s aren’t going to turn into cursive on their own.

Oh. Happy December! Only 24 days until Christmas.

First Christmas with divorced parents.

Sophie says that means I’ll get double the presents, but I’m not sure that’s how it works. Maybe Dad will come over for part of the day. I’ll need to ask him what the plan is next time I see him.

Okay, now really, time for homework.


	6. December 4th, 1996

Dear diary,

Sorry, I didn’t have time to write yesterday. I had so, so, so, so, sooooo much math homework. And I had to study for a science test. And a spelling quiz. There was a lot that happened school-wise. Mom says that all of that studying paid off, because I got an A+ on the spelling quiz. She said that I’m the best speller in the fourth grade.

Dad took Buffy and I out to dinner tonight. We ate at this pizza place near the apartment, I think it was called “Mama Rosa’s” or something. It wasn’t too bad. I got a small anchovie pizza (I love them, people say I’m weird for it, but I really like the taste), and Dad and Buffy ordered a pepperoni pizza with onions, and I swear Buffy ate almost half of it. Dad said she must be “going through a helluva growth spurt” or developing a great metabolism (I had to look that word up in the dictionary when we got home). Webster’s Dictionary calls it: “ the chemical processes by which a plant or an animal uses food, water, etc., to grow and heal and to make energy”. That still looks too complicated. I guess she’s been working out so much for cheerleading that she just needs to eat more? I think that’s the best way of putting it.

I miss having the whole family in the house together. I told Dad this when he dropped us back off with Mom. He hugged me and said that “this is the new normal, Dawniekins” (my parents have a lot of nicknames for me). The hug was nice, but I don’t like the new normal. The new normal sucks.

I’ve started putting my Christmas list together. Mostly it’s a lot of Spice Girls stuff. Like their CD. And a couple shirts. And maybe tickets to see them? I don’t know if they’ll be on tour around here, but I really want to see them if they come. They’re so cool. It’s a British girl band, and there are five of them: Scary Spice, Posh Spice, Baby Spice, Sporty Spice, and Ginger Spice. Baby Spice is my favorite. I like her pigtails.

Buffy’s still pretty quiet. I try to smile at her a lot, and tell her that Jeff was stupid, and since she’s so popular, there will be lots of other guys. She just nods and says “of course there will be” and then goes back to being quiet. I do know that she’s been listening to Jagged Little Pill a lot. Whenever I walk past her door, I can hear Alanis Morissette. Mom says I’m not allowed to listen to her just yet (there are some swear words- she says fuck!!!), but Buffy’s let me listen to the CD a few times.

Speaking of Mom she’s telling me to turn my light off and go to sleep. I guess she has a point. It’s 10:07 and I have school tomorrow.

Good night, diary! In 21 days tomorrow, Christmas will be here!


	7. December 6th, 1996

Dear diary,

19 days until Christmas! That’s my happy report for the day.

Mom and Dad are finalizing their divorce next week. Which I think is totally unfair since Christmas is so close, but Buffy said that Mom wants it to be done sooner rather than later, and that Dad agrees. Which is stupid. So stupid. Why can’t they hold it together for three more weeks. That’s all I need. Three more weeks, then Christmas will actually be happy. But no. They had to get a stupid divorce.

This kid named Jimmy Miller in my class told me today that my parents were getting divorced because of me. That I was so lame and shouldn’t even exist, and that’s why Mom and Dad don’t want me. I told him that he was an idiot, and then Susie went and told Mrs. Ellis. I wish she didn’t tell her. Jimmy had to apologize to me for saying I shouldn’t exist, and then I had to apologize to Jimmy for saying that he was an idiot.

He really is though. His grades are awful. I think he’s going to have to be in the fourth grade again next year.

Buffy’s getting ready for the dance right now. She looks so pretty! Her hair is up, and she’s wearing a gorgeous silver necklace to go with her light blue dress. She just told me that if it’s still in style, I can wear it in a few years! That’d be so cool. We have school parties at Lincoln, but nothing that we can get dressed up for. I can’t wait for junior high school, only because that’s when the dances start. Buffy said that they’re kind of lame, but I don’t care. I love to dance, so I’ll be there, lame or not.

Anyways, tonight’s just going to be a night in with Mom. We’re getting Thai food, then watching a movie. I’m not sure what we’re going to watch yet, but Mom said it was my choice. Buffy told me that when Mom says something is my choice, I should try to pick something that Mom would like, because of the divorce and everything. So I don’t know what I’m choosing yet. Maybe a musical, Mom likes those. And we have a bunch on VHS. ‘Sound of Music’ is pretty long, but I’m sure we could watch part of it.

Well, Dad just arrived to take Buffy to the school, which means that Mom will want to go get our food soon. Buffy told me that she’ll tell me all about the dance tomorrow, since it will probably be a late night. I’m really glad she tells me about these things. It makes me feel more grown up.

Talk to you later, diary!

* * *

 

So something weird is going on.

It’s 11:31, and Mom just dropped me off at Dad’s apartment.

I don’t know what’s going on.

I really only went to bed an hour ago. Mom and I ate our food while watching ‘Sound of Music’, just like we planned. We stopped after Act 1 (that movie is so long!) and I got ready for bed. Normal routine. I fell asleep after staring at the ceiling for a bit, but I think it was after 10:27. Then I woke up to Mom rubbing my shoulder a little bit, telling me that I needed to throw some clothes in my backpack, that there was an emergency and that I was going to be with Dad.

That’s not the weirdest part. I kept asking her where Buffy was, and she didn’t answer. Mom would not tell me where Buffy was. When Dad opened the door, he didn’t say anything to me. He just told Mom to “go get her and bring her straight home.” So I guess he was talking about Buffy? Dad shut the door and smiled at me. “It’s your first night at the apartment!” he said, but he didn’t sound thrilled. Maybe he was worried about Buffy, but when I asked him if she’d be staying with us, he said something like “No, she’ll hopefully be staying with your mother.”

Nobody is telling me where my sister is. I’m guessing she’s at the school, but I don’t know. I wish she was here. I claimed the top bunk in our new room. I hope she doesn’t mind. Maybe when I wake up tomorrow, she’ll be here with me, and Dad will make breakfast for us, or take us somewhere new.

I just wish I knew where she was.


	8. December 7th, 1996

Dear diary,

Well.

Buffy burned down the school gym last night.

Yep.

The whole thing was in flames.

What even…

Okay, I should explain. Actually, I can’t explain, because that’s all I know. I haven’t even seen her since she left Mom’s house last night. Buffy burned down the gym, and nobody will tell me why or how.

It had to have been an accident. Buffy wouldn’t just burn the school down for no reason. Right? Unless this is her way of acting out because of the divorce. I once read this book where a kid’s parents were going to get divorced, but then he burned down their house… I don’t think Buffy would do that though.

I woke up this morning, and looked up at the ceiling which is about two feet away from the bed. I think I’m going to ask Dad if I can get those glow in the dark plastic sticker things to put up there. I think it’d look pretty cool.

Anyways. Dad had breakfast on the table. And by breakfast, I mean lots and lots of grown up looking cereal boxes, and Trix, which is my favorite cereal. He told me he got it when I was still sleeping, so I wouldn’t have to eat bran flakes just yet. Dad says that I can’t eat grown up cereal until I turn 18, only the fruity, sugary kinds. Which I guess makes him alright, even though he’s divorcing Mom. Maybe that won’t happen anymore since Buffy burned the gym to the ground.

It took him forever just to tell me that. I asked him where Buffy was when I sat down, and he just sort of went “Hummmmmmmpfffffffff.” 

So I asked him again. “Where is Buffy?”

Dad finally looked up from his bowl of cereal and said “Dawnie, how would you like to live with me for a little bit? Your mom’s going to have her hands full, and this really might be easier.”

I felt this knot curling in my stomach, and I couldn’t even think about what he was saying, because he wasn’t answering my question. “What happened to Buffy? Please, Daddy, I don’t know what’s going on,” I said, trying to sound younger than 10. 

Dad reached out and took one of my hands and said something like “We’re still working out what happened last night, but your sister might be in a little bit of trouble. Your mother doesn’t want me to worry you with details.”

Buffy being in trouble didn’t sound like Buffy at all. Buffy’s perfect. So I had to ask for more details. “What kind of trouble?” I could feel that knot curling up even more.

“Well, for starters,” said Dad, “she might have to switch schools. We don’t know that for sure just yet, but I have a pretty strong feeling that she might.”

“Why?” I asked.

Dad started fidgeting. “Dawnie, I don’t know if I should tell you just yet, we still don’t know everything, but um, I guess some kids at school might talk. This kind of news travels fast.”

“Dad, I’m ten years old. And she’s my sister. I can handle it.”

That’s when he told me. “It looks like Buffy may have burned down the school gym during the dance last night.”

I was in shock. “What?”

“Yeah, your mom and I think it must have been an accident,” Dad answered, “but we don’t know everything. All we know is that it is completely burned to rubble. Joyce- your mom, she picked Buffy up from the police station last night-”

That’s when everything just sort of got fuzzy. My sister was at the police station. And not for a fun field trip visit. No. She was being held by the police. My Trix just tasted bland after that. I heard Dad trying to say something else to me, and I snapped out of my fuzzy-not real- world. “What?” I asked.

“Do you want to stay with me for a few days? Just until everything is figured out. I’d love to have you around, I missed you.” Dad smiled. “Your mom can bring a suitcase of your clothes over today, it’d be a huge help to her if you were here.”

I thought about Dad missing me, and about what Buffy said about helping Mom. I didn’t want to be away from Buffy though. I thought we’d always go back and forth between Mom’s place and Dad’s place together. Buffy telling me to be good for Mom, Dad missing me, and Buffy burning down the gym. The old Sesame Street song popped into my head: One of these things is not like the other…

“Okay,” I said, after what must have been an hour of me and Dad sitting at the table together. “I’ll stay here.”

“That’s the best news I’ve had today, sweetie pie,” Dad said, pouring more milk into his cereal. “I’ll call your mother soon.”

So that’s how my morning went. There was a whispered phone conversation between my parents. Dad went into another room with the phone, so I couldn’t hear any of it. I guess it went okay though, because an hour later, Mom showed up at the apartment with my suitcase and my favorite teddy bear, Mr. Jenkles. I hugged her right away and told her I loved her. She sort of sighed and said “I love you too, Dawnie,” and then she pulled me away, crouched down a little and said “Be on your best behavior for your dad.”

I nodded and asked “Where’s Buffy?”

Mom looked at me, then looked at Dad, then back at me. “She’s resting. I thought it might be best if she just stayed in her room for awhile.”

Dad pulled the suitcase into the apartment. “Has she said anything to you? Like how the hell all of this happened?”

“Nothing,” said Mom, “Only that it was an accident.”

“But how the hell do you accidentally burn down an entire gymnasium?” Dad asked. I think they forgot that I was standing right there. Dad never swears that much around me.

“I told you, I don’t know a damn thing.” Mom doesn’t usually swear around me either. They definitely forgot about me. “I told you, when I picked her up at the station, she was crying. The officers think there must have been a few other kids, but she isn’t saying anything- oh, Dawn.” She glanced over and looked at me. “Hank, I’ll call you when I find anything out. Dawn, be good.”

I said I would be and hugged her again. “Tell Buffy I said hi,” I said when I let her go. Mom said she would. She and Dad gave each other awkward looks and then she left.

I should probably mention that I’m not sure if I got all of the words right. That happened hours ago. I think I got them pretty right though.

So, Dad took me out grocery shopping to get peanut butter and jelly, and we got a couple frozen pizzas too. He said I could get whatever I wanted because he wanted to spoil me. So that was pretty cool of him. We got back to the apartment and made sandwiches for lunch. I made a salad to go with it. Lots of vegetables were in it (being healthy is something that Buffy would approve of). We were halfway through lunch when Dad got a phone call. He took it in another room, but I think I heard him say something like he “couldn’t come over tonight, Dawn’s staying with me for a few days”. I asked him who it was, and said it was a work thing. Kind of crazy that his work would want him to come in on a Saturday. Maybe they’re busy!

We spent the afternoon eating nacho chips and watching college basketball. During one of the commercial breaks, there was a preview for tonight’s news on Channel 6, and they had a clip of the gym burning. Dad changed the channel really quickly after that, and he seemed tense for the rest of the afternoon. We had an early dinner, then Dad took me out to the movies to see  _ 101 Dalmatians _ . I really liked it. I think Buffy would have liked it a lot too. The puppies were so cute! I wonder if Mom or Dad would ever buy me one. I’d really like to have a dog. I think I’ll put that on my Christmas list.

Dad really spoiled me today, and I guess I should feel guilty, but I don’t. Not really. If it makes him feel better, I guess it should happen. I wish I knew what was going on with Buffy though. I hope she’s okay. Maybe the people in charge of her school will understand that it was all an accident, and everything could go back to being normal again. Maybe this will stop Mom and Dad from getting divorced.

Maybe. Weirder things have happened. Right?


	9. December 8th, 1996

Dear diary,

Nothing has really changed, in terms of what’s going on with Buffy. I’m still living with Dad, and it’s great. It really is, he was only out of the house for a few days, but it felt longer. Mom moved some of the furniture around on Thursday, just to make things feel new, so home didn’t feel like home. Well, it was mostly the family room that felt weird. Dad’s apartment doesn’t exactly feel like home either though. It’d help if Buffy was here, sleeping on the bottom bunk. I’ve had my own room my entire life, but it feels empty. Is that weird? I think it might be weird to feel that way.

Anyways, the Buffy situation. I asked Dad if I could call her, and he said that it might not be the best time. I asked him when the best time would be, and all he said was “Not now, Dawn. Later.” So I decided that it probably wasn’t the best time to talk to him about it.

Unfortunately, I can’t really talk to anyone about this, except for you. You’re it, diary, you’re my secret keeper. Dad said I wasn’t allowed to call the twins or Carrie until some of this was figured out. But I’m going to see them tomorrow at school, so I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. Pretend it never happened? I don’t think I can do that. The tv news covered the gym burning down. There was even a small article in the LA Times. I’m not sure if they mentioned Buffy by name, but what if her classmates saw her do it? What will happen then?

Dad bought me a lot of books to read. He said that his apartment isn’t completely ‘Dawn-friendly’ yet, so we went out to Walden Books together. I am now the proud owner of _The Hobbit_ , _Bridge to Terabithia_ , _The Egypt Game_ , _Maniac Magee_ , _Matilda_ , _James and the Giant Peach_ , _Shiloh_ , _The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle_ , _Tuck Everlasting_ , _The Dollhouse Murders_ , and _Black Beauty_. We bought a bookshelf to go in the living room, and Dad let me have my own shelf for my books. He said that I might end up having two shelves, since I read so much. Out of all of my new books, I decided to start reading Charlotte Doyle first, since the cover and title looked interesting. And it’s written like a diary! So I like it already.

I’m not looking forward to school tomorrow. I’m sure some of my classmates know about the gym and Buffy. And I don’t know how I’ll answer any questions.

A dog would make me feel better.

I added it to the Christmas list I’m giving Mom. She told me to make two lists, each with different things, so she and Dad wouldn’t accidentally buy me the same book or toy. And since Mom has the house, it might make more sense.

It’s getting late, so I’ll write to you tomorrow! 


	10. December 9th, 1996

Dear diary,

I am writing this in one of the closets by the art room. No, I wasn’t forced in here. I’m hiding. School is really awful today. Worse than I thought it would be.

For starters, everyone knew about Buffy. Dad dropped me off at school this morning, and he told me to keep my chin up, and not let what other people said hurt me.  He also said that he hoped that he would be able to give me more details when he picked me up. Which I hope is true, because everybody seems to know more than I do.

First, hardly anyone seems to be able to look at me. Sure, I’ll catch them staring, but once I do, they look away and start whispering to someone. Like, if you want to say something to me, say it to my face.

Of course, that’s exactly what Jimmy Miller did. Once I walked over to my desk, he came over and said “Heard your sister’s a criminal.” I told him to shut up. Did he? No. “She’s probably going to jail forever. She’ll be kicked out of school and you’ll be just like her.” I told him to shut up again. That’s when he said “You’ll be a big nobody.”

And I pushed him.

I pushed Jimmy at the same moment that Mrs. Ellis walked into the room.

She sent us both to the principal’s office for fighting.

Mr. Tanner talked to Jimmy first, so I sat in one of the chairs in the office and stared at the clock. I was missing ‘Free Reading’ time. Of course I wasn’t missing math or science. No, Jimmy was making miss one of my favorite parts of the day. Ms. Santiago, the secretary, kept glancing over at me, probably wondering what trouble I could get into, if my sister burned down the school gym.

Five minutes later, Jimmy walked out of his office holding a yellow piece of paper, which means he just needs to get a signature from a parent that says they know their kid was sent to the office. So no big punishment for Jimmy for making fun of me. Mr. Tanner called me in, and I sat down in this chair that was way too big for me. This chair was seriously made for grown ups, and it made me feel smaller than I am.

“Miss Summers,” he said, “do you know what you’re in here for?”

I like Mr. Tanner. I do. He’s tall, and nice, and for the yearly talent show, he tap dances. Which is pretty cool. But I felt scared in that chair. This was my first trip to the principal’s office. But I thought I should tell him the truth, since I was having a bad morning with everybody staring at me.

“I pushed Jimmy because he was making fun of me,” I said. “I know it was wrong, and it won’t happen again.”

Mr. Tanner nodded. “I’ve heard that you’ve had a difficult month. Would you like to talk about it?”

“My parents are divorcing,” I said, “and something happened with my sister.”

Mr. Tanner said something like “I’m sure it’s very hard, but violence is not the answer when someone bullies you. Tell an adult if it happens, okay?”

“Okay,” I said. And that was it. He let me out without a yellow paper, so I wouldn’t have to tell my parents about it, since it was my first trip to the office.

By the time I got back to the classroom, Free Reading time was ending. Class went on as normal, but at lunch when I went over to sit with Susie, Sophie, and Carrie, Susie and Sophie left as soon as I sat down. She took her tray to sit with Beth Mars instead. That’s when the worst part of the day happened. Carrie told me that twins isn’t allowed to be my friends anymore. Their sister Kelly does cheerleading with Buffy, and told Susie, Sophie, Adam, and their parents that Buffy started acting really weird during the dance, and then disappeared for a bit. Kelly and some of the other cheerleaders went to go look for her, and apparently saw her fighting some people. They went to go find a teacher, but by the time they came back, the hallway was on fire. Somehow, fires started in other areas near the gym, and soon it got out of control. Buffy was found in a corner holding a blow torch, or something like that.

That’s when I started crying into my macaroni and cheese. Everyone was staring at me again, and I picked up my things and ran. I ran until I found this closet. I guess I’ll have to get out eventually, but so far, no one has found me. Maybe nobody’s looking for me. Maybe nobody wants to find the girl whose sister burned down Hemery High School’s gym.

 

* * *

 

Well, the art teacher, Ms. Juarez, did find me. So I had to go back to class. I only missed recess. I felt like I was in that closet a lot longer than that.

Other than Carrie, nobody talked to me for the rest of the day. Math and science classes don’t really involve a lot of talking, mostly listening. Carrie and I spent our second recess together on the swing set and I told her about my weekend with Dad, and how I really didn’t know anything about Buffy. I said that none of it made any sense. Buffy was perfect and happy. It just didn’t seem right that she would do something like that. Carrie just listened. She said that she’d let me know if she learned anything else. Because I didn’t feel like my parents would tell me.

After school, Mrs. Ellis pulled me aside and told me she’d like to talk for a couple minutes. She asked me how I was doing, and I told her that I was staying with my dad for a few days. Then she asked if I had anyone to talk to, and I told her that I could talk to Carrie during school, but that was it. That’s when she said I could always talk to the school guidance counselor, Mr. Jefferson. I told her I’d think about it. That last guidance counselor I knew about died horribly. Poor Mr. Merrick.

Dad picked me up, and I told him about how awful my day was, and then I asked him about Buffy. “Sweetie,” he said, “this isn’t easy. And it’s going to be really hard for the next few weeks, but I need you to be my big, brave Dawn, okay?”

I said “Sure, Dad, whatever you need. I can be brave.” And I really hope I can be, because the next thing he said was this:

“Dawnie, Buffy isn’t going to be going back to Hemery High.” Then he moved his right hand from the steering wheel, gave my hand a little squeeze, and then just held on. “Your mother and I aren’t sure what the next step is going to be, but the superintendent said it might be very hard for Buffy to find a school to go to in LA.”

I just stared at my shoes. “Was Buffy expelled?”

Dad sighed. “Yes.”

That’s when that stupid knot came back to my stomach. “Oh no, Dawn, no. You’re not in trouble, that’s not what you do. You can keep going to Lincoln. You aren’t in any trouble there.”

Then I started crying, and I told Dad about having to go to the principal’s office. He wasn’t mad though. He just said that Jimmy was a moron, and that made me smile. I asked him if I could see Buffy, and he said I could soon.

We had pepperoni pizza tonight (courtesy of our freezer) and watched Jeopardy together. The phone rang a couple times, and both times Dad answered he told the person he couldn’t talk. He said that the callers were telemarketers, and that if they call, just tell them that you’re busy, and they should call back later. Dad says that they normally won’t actually call back.

I just got out of the shower, and my hair’s been drying in a towel. I think I’m going to braid it tonight, so when I take the braids out in the morning, it will be wavy.

Good night, diary, sleep tight. Don’t let the bed bugs bite.


	11. December 13th, 1996

Dear diary,

I left you at Dad’s apartment, and I have so much to catch up on.

Life is still awful, but, good news, I went to stay with Mom and Buffy from Tuesday until today. I missed them. I love staying with Dad, but I won’t tell him that I also really missed Mom. Things would have been better if they had stayed together.

Which they definitely are not. They were officially divorced yesterday.

They have ‘shared joint custody’ over me and Buffy. Basically that means that they’ve got equal rights to us. However, from what I’ve been hearing (I’ve been eavesdropping a lot), Dad might have to get visitation rights or something, since Mom and Buffy might have to leave LA. They can’t find a school that wants Buffy.

I don’t know what’s going to happen to me.

People are being awkward around me at school (it took me three tries to spell awkward right, and I’m happy I finally got all the letters in the rights spots). Carrie still talks to me, but Susie and Sophie are hanging around Beth and Rachel Culpepper. Nobody’s calling me names, but they all avoid me. It’s getting lonely. Mom and Dad both told me that it will get better, that eventually things will go back to normal, but I miss hanging out with the twins after school.

So, Dad can’t leave the city because of his job, and he and Mom decided it would be easier if she left with Buffy. There are plenty of other cities with art galleries, they both think she could find a job in the same city that Buffy would go to school. Now Dad’s planning on cancelling his lease whenever that happens, and he’ll move back into the house. I guess Mom and Buffy will take most of the furniture for whatever house they find.

I came back home to Mom and Buffy because Dad had meetings scheduled this week around the time that I got out of school, and he wouldn’t have been able to pick me up. Mom and Dad decided to let me take the bus back to the house, and the first person I saw when I got home on Tuesday was Buffy. She was curled up on the couch, and I ran over and hugged her. She held me super close, and it sounded like she was trying not to cry. I told her that I missed her, and she said she missed me too. I asked what happened Friday night and she said it was an accident. I don’t remember what she said exactly, but it went something like this:

“I was at the dance, having a great time, then saw some people who looked like they were going to cause trouble. I chased after them and got into a fight. They were really starting to gang up on me, but luckily, I ended up sneaking away to my locker to get supplies. All I could find was my hairspray. I also found a lighter in the hallway, and I ran back to find the bad guys.” She paused and gave me this serious look. “Dawn, if this ever happens to you, keep running. Don’t go back to finish the fight. Run.”

“But why did you go back?” I asked.

Buffy shrugged. “I had to. I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t want them to hurt anybody else. But promise me that if this happens to you, you run and find me. Promise?” She held out her pinky. I linked it to my pinky and promised. “Good,” she said, and then she continued her story. “I found the bad guys about to enter the gym, and I threatened them with the hairspray and the lighter.”

“How was that scary?” I asked. I really didn’t know.

“Well… When you put fire in front of the chemicals in the can, it sort of creates a flamethrower,” explained Buffy. “And I wanted the bad guys to go away.”

“Did it work?” I asked.

“Um… Sort of… I ended up creating a small fire, and some of the bad guys disappeared. What I didn’t know was that the hallways had just been painted, and they had streamers covering them for the dance too. So what kind of happened was that the fire from my mini flamethrower caught onto some of the streamers, which had a chemical reaction with the wall… I ran to find a fire extinguisher, and it had expired, so then I ran to get help, but by the time I found a teacher, there was a lot that was burning… We got everyone out of the gym and called for help, but the fire kept growing, and when the fire trucks arrived… the gym was in flames.”

I looked at my sister, and I could tell that she was really sorry. She was just trying to help, and she got kicked out of school. “I’m glad you’re okay,” I said, because I didn’t really know what else to say.

Buffy smiled and said ‘thanks’. We ended up watching cartoons together until Mom got home. Mom asked me a couple questions about how I spent my time at Dad’s, and then gave me and Buffy an update on the school and job search. That’s been the normal dinner topic. No news about a school that wants Buffy, and no news about a job for Mom. Buffy spends her days cleaning the house, so at least she has something to do.

Tonight we’re both at Dad’s apartment. We played Monopoly with Dad (Buffy won), and now we’re hanging out in our room. Buffy’s on the bottom bunk reading a Sweet Valley High book, and I’m up here on the top, writing. It’s weird that this isn’t going to be normal for us. Buffy will be with Mom somewhere, and I’m not sure if I’ll be with them, or if I’ll stay with Dad. They said it’s up to me, and that they wouldn’t be mad with who I chose to stay with. But it’s hard. It’s really hard. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I love them both equally, and I really can’t choose. They said I’m not in any rush, so I have to have it on my mind for awhile.

What’s that phrase? The one where you put off making a decision? Oh. ‘Sleep on it’. I guess that’s what I’m going to have to do.

I’m going to keep reading _Charlotte Doyle_ now. It’s really good. Good night, diary!


	12. December 14th, 1996

Dear diary,

Well that was a fun day with Dad’s, but Buffy and I are back with Mom now.

And when we went out to dinner, things got awkward fast.

Mom took Buffy and I out to this old fashioned diner place that’s supposed to look like the 1950s. We had just ordered our burgers and fries when a group of Buffy’s former cheerleading friends walked in. I wrote former for two reasons:

  1. Buffy doesn’t go to that school anymore
  2. These girls definitely aren’t her friends.



They walked in and were seated at a table nearby. Buffy and Mom were sitting across from me, so they couldn’t see the door, and I’m pretty sure that these girls couldn’t see me, but we could hear them. Kelly, Sophie and Susie’s sister was with the group, and then I felt sad because I really missed the twins. After they sat down, one of them, I think it was Kimberly, said “I can’t believe Buff went postal on the school.”

That’s when another (maybe Nicki?) said “She’s been totally different lately. She got super strong in the spring, but she swears she’s not taking anything.”

The third joined in the conversation and said “And then she dumped Jeffrey!”

“As if, Madison,” said Kimberly, “Jeffrey dumped her. We’re totally going to Joey’s Christmas party together.”

“I do feel bad we didn’t go with her to Cassandra’s funeral though,” said Nicki.

“Ew, why, she was no one,” said Madison.

Nicki shrugged. “She was murdered, and Buffy and that Oliver kid were really upset.”

“True,” said Kimberly, “but so was Mr. Merrick, and the school sort of treated them both the same way. You know ‘come down to the office if you want to talk about the dead people’. It’s LA, it happens. It’s dangerous and if people don’t look where they’re going, they could get killed.”

Kelly finally spoke up. “It still sucks that Buffy had to get caught up in this. Her new strength really helped the team, we might miss our chance at the championships.” She paused. “Not!” Then they all started laughing.

Buffy was staring at the napkin holder, and Mom looked like she couldn’t decide if she wanted to yell at the girls or comfort Buffy. The waitress came over with our food, and for a few minutes, none of us ate. Buffy looked at Mom and said “Did I used to sound like that?”

“No, honey, you were always nice,” Mom said, squirting ketchup onto her plate. I guess she decided that she had to actually do something with her plate.

Buffy started playing with her fries. “I wasn’t though.”

I didn’t know what to say to make Buffy feel better. But I did do something stupid. I stood up, took the ketchup bottle from Mom, walked over to the table where the cheerleaders were sitting, and squirted ketchup on all of their sweaters. They looked up at me and they made these gasping sounds, but at least they weren’t talking. I felt like I should say something brave, so I said “That’s what you get for making fun of my sister.” Then I walked over to the counter and asked the waitress for three take home boxes.

While I was putting the food in boxes, Mom paid the waitress and apologized for any trouble that they caused, giving her a big tip.

Buffy just laughed.

I’m glad I was able to be the one helping her tonight. She deserves it.


	13. December 15th, 1996

Dear diary,

A boy named Oliver just showed up at our house.

He wanted to talk to Buffy. Apparently he’s been calling, but no one has answered the phone. That’s probably because I’m not allowed to answer, and maybe Buffy hasn’t felt like answering (even though Mom told her she should, just in case it was a school who ‘wanted to give her knowledge and a diploma’). Mom’s out at the gallery getting ready for a new art exhibit, and I wouldn’t have heard the doorbell ring if I hadn’t gone downstairs for a glass of water. But it rang, and Buffy got up from the couch and when she opened the door, she looked surprised. Or at least she did from the back, she definitely jumped a little.

Oliver walked in, and they talked quietly. I walked over and said “Hi, I’m Dawn!”

They both looked at me, and he gave a little wave. “Hi Dawn, I’m Oliver.” Then he looked at Buffy. “Does she know?”

“No!” Buffy said, and she looked at me, then looked at him, then back to me. “Noooo.”

I folded my arms across my chest. “I don’t know what?”

Buffy shuffled her feet a little, and Oliver looked embarrassed. “Uh, that Santa is bringing you an extra special gift this year. You’ve been so good, and you never tattled on your big sister!”

“Santa’s not real,” I said.

“Well not with that attitude,” said Buffy. “Dawn, how about you go upstairs to your room for a little bit?”

“Is he not supposed to be here?” I asked. This was getting good. 

“He isn’t going to stay for long,” Buffy said. “If you go upstairs, I’ll buy you ice cream.”

“Cookie dough, or no deal,” I said. Cookie dough is my favorite.

“Deal. Now go.” She pointed at the stairs.

“Bye, Dawn,” Oliver said, “It was nice to finally meet you!”

If it wasn’t for not knowing where Buffy’s diary was hidden, I would totally read it to find out if they’re dating. They’re probably like secret boyfriend and girlfriend or something. I can’t really hear what they’re saying, but I heard Oliver say something a little bit ago about Las Vegas, and Buffy was all “No, that’s crazy!” and I think they’re talking about vampires now, which really is crazy. Unless they’re talking the movie ‘Interview with a Vampire’. I wasn’t allowed to see that movie. Buffy wasn’t either, but she definitely saw it with Kelly and Nicki.

They’re still talking about vampires. That’s so weird.

I’m not sure when Buffy and I are going to see Dad this week. We can go whenever, but Mom doesn’t want to mess up my study schedule, so I guess it might not be until the weekend? I have a history test on Thursday (it’s about the Revolutionary War), but on Friday we have our class Christmas party. If it wasn’t for the part where Carrie is the only person who talks to me anymore, I’d be looking forward to it. Oh well. I’m not sure how the whole day will go, but there’s usually a craft to make, like an ornament. But with Mom and Dad being divorced, I’m not sure who I’ll make the craft for. Maybe I can ask Mrs. Ellis if I can make two. Mom’s probably going to make a snack for it, so maybe I’ll call Dad and see if Buffy and I can spend the weekend with him.

Christmas is in 10 days, and I don’t even know how we’re celebrating. I’m not sure if we’ll spend time with Dad’s family, or Mom’s family, or both. How are we supposed to choose? I don’t want to choose between them. That isn’t fair.

Choosing which Christmas to go to, choosing which parent to live with, choosing between LA and some other town or city….

I’m only 10. I’m not ready to grow up like this yet.

Buffy just opened my door and told me that Oliver left. And that I’m not supposed to tell Mom that he was here. And that she’d remember my ice cream.

I don’t think I want to live in a home without Buffy.


	14. December 18th, 1996

Dear diary, guess what?

ONE WEEK UNTIL CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!

Dad just dropped me off at Mom’s after helping me find a Christmas present for Buffy. Every year, Mom and Dad take Buffy and I to get presents for each other, even though they’re really the ones paying for the gift. Dad and I went to Macy’s, and I got her this really pretty silver necklace that has butterflies on it. I think she’ll like it.

Nothing’s changed since Sunday. No really. Carrie’s still the only person talking to me at school other than the teachers. Buffy is still at home, not going to a school. Mom and Dad are still divorced. Except now there are some things in boxes around both Dad’s apartment and Mom’s house, because we don’t know when Buffy is going to find a new school, and they said it’s best if everybody’s ready.

I asked Mrs. Ellis about the Christmas craft, and if I could make two of them (I told her I’d even bring my own supplies), and she said I could make two (I don’t have to bring any supplies either), and that she was really glad that I brought it up. She’s going to ask the other two kids with divorced parents if they wanted to make two too! Maybe I should talk to them, see how they handle things. I know Katie Singh’s dad lives all the way in Florida, but I don’t know how Tony Churchill spends his time. If it’s with his dad, or with his mom. Both? Just Mom, never Dad? I should ask him tomorrow. And Katie too, because who knows, the only school who might want Buffy could be all the way in Texas or something.

I just thought of something weird. I haven’t seen Buffy leave the house at night for a couple weeks. She used to all the time, remember? And then after the fire, she hasn’t left at all. She’s just stayed in her room. I guess that shouldn’t be weird, but she did that all the time. I guess she isn’t dating Oliver, because she isn’t sneaking around with him like she did with Jeff.

I’m still looking for Buffy’s diary, but I have no idea where she keeps it. I just want to know where she used to wander off to.

Oh wait, something has changed. Duh. Mom picked up a Christmas tree on Monday! We started decorating it Monday night, and we sang a lot of Christmas songs and drank cocoa. Even though we weren’t cold, hot cocoa is just something you drink in December. Mom draped tinsels over her shoulders and sang along to Santa Baby, which made me and Buffy laugh. We put out the Nativity set, and put a couple of light up snowmen on the front porch. The house looks festive now, instead of sort of gloomy.

Only one week until it’s Christmas.

I still hope I get a puppy.


	15. December 20th, 1996

Dear diary,

Today was pretty busy. First there was school, and then Buffy and I helped Dad decorate his apartment.

So, let’s start with the school stuff. The morning was pretty normal. We had music class, where we practiced our song for the Christmas assembly. Then we had math class (ew), and a spelling quiz. We had recess outside, and like always, Carrie was the only person who spent time with me. She said that she’s tried talking to Susie and Sophie about it, but they don’t want to make their mom and dad upset. Which is unfair, because I didn’t do anything. Buffy burned the school down on accident anyways, she was trying to help people. But I get some of the blame for it.

I also had a short meeting with Mr. Jefferson, the school guidance counselor, after I finished lunch. Mom and Dad decided that they want me to talk to him a little bit every week. I told them that I already talk to you, but Mom said that a diary might not be good enough, since you can’t talk back. Whatever.

It was an ‘introductory meeting’ today, and it was only for ten minutes, so I guess that’s the good part. He just wanted to know a little bit about me. So I told him that my parents were divorced, and that Mom and Buffy were probably moving. Then Mr. Jefferson asked me if I’d be staying or leaving. And I told him that I didn’t know. I really don’t.

It’s weird to think that it could have been my last day there at school. I still don’t know where I’m going to live if Mom and Buffy move, if I stay with them or with Dad. Well, I’m starting to think that I’ll stay with Mom and Buffy. I don’t want to hurt Dad’s feelings though. The plan for Christmas is that we’ll celebrate with Dad’s family on Christmas Eve, and then do stuff with Mom’s on Christmas. So at least I’ll get to see everyone.

Whoops, got a little bit off track. Mr. Jefferson wanted to know what my favorite classes were, and who I was friends with. I told him about Carrie, and that I didn’t know if the twins were ever going to talk to me again. Then he gave me a candy cane and told me that he was glad to meet me, and that he hoped to see me again after break.

The Christmas party was in the afternoon. We made these little wreaths! It was really fun. I like arts and crafts. And Mrs. Ellis remembered to give me supplies to make two. Rachel George asked why I got to make two, so Mrs. Ellis had to explain that it was because my parents weren’t celebrating Christmas together. The class got quiet and stared at me. Even though everyone has known about the divorce for like a month. We ate Christmas, chocolate covered pretzels, and cheese & crackers, and drank hot chocolate while we watched the Muppet Christmas Carol movie.

Then we had the school assembly. Every grade is in charge of singing a Christmas song. The fourth grade always sings ‘Have Yourself a Very Merry Christmas’, which I think is too slow, but Ms. Li the music teacher loves it. Mr. Tanner did his yearly reading of ‘The Night Before Christmas’. Then the kindergarteners put their ornaments on the Christmas tree in the corner of the gym, and the sixth grade took their own kindergarten ornaments off the tree. I should explain. In kindergarten, we made these little ornaments made of felt, pipe cleaners, pom poms, and our school picture. All of the ornaments are kept in storage until Christmas, when they’re added. They’re all color coded. This year’s kindergarten class had gold colors. The sixth graders had green. Mine is blue. I’m not sure what’s going to happen to it if I leave the school. Do they give them to you when you leave? I know that if kids move to the school, they make the ornament that year, but I don’t know what you do when you leave before sixth grade. I don’t think Mom and Dad thought of this when they decided that they didn’t want to be married anymore.

Dad and Buffy picked me up from school (my wreath presents hidden in my backpack). We went tree hunting for his apartment together. The landlord won’t let him have a real tree, but we did find a nice little fake one. I miss the fresh smell though. We decorated it together, and then I told Dad to close his eyes because I had a present for him. He did, and I gave him one of the wreaths. The one I made for him had a gold ribbon, and the one I made for Mom has a red ribbon. Dad said he loved it, and he hung it on one of the doors. We didn’t have a lot to decorate with, but a little tinsel goes a long way.

We ate dinner on the couch and watched _Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer_ and _Santa Claus is Coming to Town_ together. They’re some of my favorites. I used to be really scared of the big snow monster in Rudolph, but I can watch it without hiding behind the couch now. Buffy and Dad are talking in the living room together right now. I wanted to write instead. It sounded boring, whatever they were talking about.

Buffy and I go back to Mom’s on Sunday. I’m not sure what we’re going to do with Dad tomorrow. Maybe look for more decorations? Dad really needs a few more around here, even if he’ll be moving back home whenever Buffy and Mom (and me?) move out.

I’ve been yawning for the last five minutes, so I’m going to go to bed. Good night! When I wake up in five days it will be Christmas!!!


	16. December 25th, 1996

Dear diary,

Merry Christmas!

I have some very exciting news, but I’ll get to that in a little bit.

The two Christmases thing is a little weird, but at least I’ve gotten to see all of my family. Last night, Buffy and I went with Dad to our Aunt Susie’s house for Christmas dinner. It was me, Buffy, Dad, Aunt Susie & Uncle Jim, Uncle Fred and Aunt Carrie, and our cousins Bethany, Frankie, Julie, and Chris. All of my cousins are Buffy’s age or older, so I mostly had to sit around and listen to a lot of grown up talk. We had turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, and like three different types of casseroles. There were lots of pies for dessert too. We don’t really do a huge gift exchange, but that’s okay for me. Aunt Susie & Uncle Jim gave me a little bookcase, and Uncle Fred and Aunt Carrie gave me two sweaters. Buffy got the same.

When we got back to Dad’s apartment, he made hot chocolate while Buffy and I changed into our pajamas. Then we watched It’s A Wonderful Life together. It didn’t feel right that Mom wasn’t there during all of this, but I knew that tomorrow we would be doing our Christmas things together, just without Dad.

We woke up, and Dad had put some presents under the tree. I stopped believing in Santa last year, but Dad still wrote “From Santa” on all of the gifts. He gave me a new diary! I haven’t filled this one yet, but it will be nice to have after I’ve written on every page of this one. I also got some butterfly clips and the Spice Girls CD! I can’t wait to listen to it over and over again.

Dad made us French Toast before taking us to Mom’s. Okay, I can’t keep it a secret from you anymore, Diary.

I got a puppy!!!!!!!

She’s adorable. I haven’t chosen a name for her yet, but she is  so cute!!! She’s a dalmatian! I sort of want to name her Perdita or Jewel, like two of the dogs from the movie, but I don’t want to copy. Maybe Penny. Or Queenie. Or Phoebe, like from Friends.

And the best part is, she was from both Mom and Dad! They stopped fighting for a little bit to get me a dog! We were just finishing unwrapping presents at Mom’s, when the doorbell rang. Mom said, “That’s odd, Santa already brought you girls everything.” Then she went over to the door, and there was Dad, holding this adorable puppy. She had a red bow around her neck, and Dad walked in and said “Merry Christmas, Dawnie!” He didn’t say who watched her when we were at his place, but I feel bad for them, whoever they are, because this puppy is really the cutest thing, and I would not want to give her up.

I love her so much. I think I’m going to name her Penny. It sounds like a cute name. She’ll be my lucky Penny, always there when I need her. I’ll have to share her with Buffy, but that’s okay. Mom says that I have to stop writing now, because I have to start training the puppy. I’ll try to write soon!


	17. January 6th, 1997

Dear diary,

  1. Happy new year! Sorry I haven’t written in so long, but it’s been a busy time training Penny. She knows ‘sit’, ‘heel’, and ‘roll over’. I still need to work on ‘stay’. She just won’t sit still!
  2. Buffy isn’t going to be a bum anymore!



Sunnydale High School is going to take her in.

Which means that Mom, Buffy, and I are moving to Sunnydale, California. I’m so happy it’s in California. But it’s not in LA. It’s not far away from LA, but it’s not super close either (somewhere near Santa Barbara, I guess). Mom says it’s two and a half hours from the city, so that means that it’s close enough that we can visit Dad on the weekends. We’ll just have to drive a bit to do that.

It was weird going back to school today, because I won’t be here for long. Not like people will miss me. My old friends and classmates still aren’t talking to me. I really hope that I can make friends in Sunnydale. Mom and Buffy went to Sunnydale today to meet with a realtor so they can find an apartment or a house. Whenever they find one (Mom said it could be a couple of weeks), they’ll move in, and then Penny and I will move in when everything is sorted. In between then, Dad will move back to this house to be with me. 

I’ve never heard of Sunnydale before. I hope they have a mall. And cute ice cream shops. And a beach. I hope I can take dance lessons there too. Mom says that it’s a lot smaller than LA, but it can’t be too small, since she’ll be in charge of the Sunnydale Art Gallery. 

Buffy seems excited about moving. I asked her a couple days ago if she was feeling nervous about going to a new city. She said “No, I think it’s going to be a good change. This is going to be a fresh start.” I think she’s ready to put the “accidental arson” (as Dad calls it) behind her.

Penny is now chewing on one of her toys. She’s so cute! Her ears are so floppy, and she has so many spots. Spots on spots on spots.

Never mind, that’s not a toy. That’s a shoe! Bye diary, I’ll talk to you later!


	18. January 8th, 1997

Well that was fast.

Mom and Buffy found a house in Sunnydale yesterday, and Mom said it was an amazing price. She said there were quite a few houses up for sale, and that the prices of all of them were great compared to LA. “Almost a steal!” she said. Buffy’s started packing her room into boxes. I asked her if I could help, and she kind of pushed me out and told me I could help Mom pack her stuff instead. Well, Mom’s not here right now. She’s at her gallery signing a bunch of paperwork so her coworkers can own the gallery. Mom said that she’ll be taking a lot with her to Sunnydale, since the gallery there doesn’t have a whole lot right now.

But since Buffy doesn’t want me to help her, I don’t really know where to begin with packing anything else. I finished all of my homework, and I really want to do something. I could watch TV or read, I guess. Penny keeps pacing around my room. I think she knows that something big is about to happen. I guess I could take her on a walk. Dad bought a pink leash for her, and I really think she likes walks. I want to train her to bring her leash to me if I say ‘Wanna go on a walk?’, though I guess ‘Walk?’ would probably be an easier command for her to remember. I just told Penny that I’ll take her on a walk, so I’ll write to you tomorrow.

 

* * *

 

So, as it turns out, Penny can tell when it’s going to rain. And by rain I mean storm.

We were in the middle of our walk, and things were only going okay. Penny liked sniffing everything around us, but she was acting nervous. That’s when I heard a little bit of thunder. Penny started tugging on her leash and crying. She was practically howling, so I turned around, and she almost ran home. I ended up jogging, because Penny was straining her leash, which meant that my arm started feeling like it was going to get pulled out of its socket. It’s still a little sore! Anyway I thought Penny’s collar was going to snap off, she was pulling that hard!

We were kind of soaked by the time we got home. She started shaking off all of the water in the hallway, which made Buffy laugh. Buffy got a towel and dried her off for me since I needed to change. My hair’s still wet. Penny’s going from room to room, howling at the ceilings every time it thunders. I guess she doesn’t like thunderstorms. Mom won’t like this, but I think I’ll have Penny in my bed tonight, instead of putting her in the dog bed.


	19. January 11th, 1997

I spent most of today helping Dad pack his things in the apartment. It’s kind of weird that he only moved here last month, and now he’s moving again. I tried to get Penny to help, but I guess we’re just not at that stage yet with her training. Buffy couldn’t help, since she and Mom were packing things in the house. It’s almost like every time I turn around, there’s a new box. Mom’s been helping me pack some of my clothes, but since I’m not moving right away, I don’t need to have everything packed yet. Soon, but not quite yet. There are three other people that need to move first.

It’s 5:30, and I’m back at the house, in my room of half-empty boxes. Penny is curled up beside me, snoring a little. It’s so cute. Dad dropped me off about an hour ago so I could clean up and change clothes. I hope that the shirt I was going to wear isn’t in a box. He’s taking me and Buffy to Olive Garden for dinner soon, sort of like a last normal meal between the three of us for awhile.

I feel a little guilty leaving Dad in LA all alone. Well, not completely alone, since it’s a big city, but Buffy and I are both going to be in Sunnydale. He said that he’ll come visit us a lot, and we’ll be spending most of the summer with him too. That made me feel a little better. I guess I could always just stay with Dad in LA, but I’d miss Mom and Buffy too. I know I made this choice last month but I wish that I didn’t have to.

I’ll write when I get home from dinner! It’s time to get ready, and help Mom with whatever packing she’s doing in the kitchen right now. Hope I can find my shirt.

 

* * *

 

Hey Diary.

Have you ever seen a fight? And not just any fight, but a fight outside of an Olive Garden?

I know you haven’t (you can’t see), but I just did. And it was actually kind of scary.

Dad picked Buffy and I up from the house around 6. The closest Olive Garden is about twenty minutes away on a good traffic day. Well, today was not a good traffic day. Since it’s winter, it was pretty dark out, and Dad almost missed the turn onto the freeway. After waiting in a bit of traffic, Dad asked Buffy what she thought of Sunnydale. The conversation went something like this-

 

Dad: “What’s Sunnydale like?”

Buffy: “It seems pretty nice. I only got a good look at the residential areas, but it seemed pretty clean.”

Dad: “Did you see the school?”

Buffy: “Yes. Big school, lots of walls. There are a couple other high schools in Sunnydale, but Sunnydale High looked like it’s the biggest.”

Dad: “What are you looking forward to doing over there?”

Buffy: “Not much for now, really. Just keeping my head down and trying to fit in.”

Dad: “And?”

Buffy: “And making good friends who stay out of trouble.”

Me: “Did you see my school?”

Buffy: “Sorry, Dawn, I didn’t. I’m not sure where you’ll be going.”

So, that looks like it’s going to be a Mom question.

 

We finally got to the restaurant, and luckily we didn’t have to wait long for a table. We were seated next to this big window, and right after we got our waters, that’s when I noticed something a little weird. From across the parking lot, there was this tall guy standing under one of the lights. He had brown hair, and was wearing a long black coat. I thought that he was looking at us. I turned to Dad and Buffy, who were looking at their menus, and said “Hey is that guy looking at us?” And I pointed out the window… to absolutely nothing.

“Sweetie, there’s nobody there,” Dad said.

“Are you sure there was a guy?” asked Buffy. “Maybe he got in his car.”

I agreed with her, but I couldn’t remember if he got into a car or not. Maybe he wasn’t even looking at us. Our waitress came back to the table and got our orders (I got spaghetti), and she said that she’d be back soon with salad and breadsticks. She also gave me crayons and a coloring sheet. I like art, but I’m not 5.

I did end up coloring a little, but I looked out the window again, and that guy was back. I didn’t say anything to Dad or Buffy. I just looked at the guy, and he was definitely looking back. There were a couple cars around him that could have been his, I guess. The waitress came back with our breadsticks and salad, and when she asked me if I needed anything, I looked away from the glass. It could have only been two seconds that I wasn’t looking out the window, but the guy was gone again.

I was halfway through my spaghetti when it happened. Dad had just asked Buffy to pass the salt when about twenty car alarms went off (I don’t know if it was really twenty, but there were definitely a lot of car horns). We all looked out, and Staring Guy was in a fight with five other guys. I didn’t get a good look at all of them, but a couple of them were really ugly. I know that isn’t nice, but that’s the truth. Their faces were all scrunched up in the middle. I know that it sounds like an uneven fight, but Staring Guy was doing okay. Also, he was really strong. Like, really, really, really strong. He picked a couple of guys off the ground and threw them across the lot.

Buffy got up and excused herself to the bathroom. Our side of the restaurant got kind of quiet. Everybody was looking out the window at these guys fighting. I told Dad that one of them was the guy looking in the window and he said something about LA gangs. I’m not really sure what happened, since they were fighting in and out of the lights in the parking lot, but it looked like some of them were disappearing, one by one. Not Staring Guy though. He was still standing. Then the fight moved out of sight, and we couldn’t watch anymore.

Our waitress came back to our table and apologized for the commotion. She said that the police had been called to handle the situation. A few minutes later, Buffy came back. She had a tear in her jeans. She said she tripped and fell on her way to the bathroom. We all finished our dinner to the mixed sound of people talking in the restaurant and car horns in the parking lot still going off.

Dad took Buffy and I home, and that’s when things got even weirder. Buffy and I were brushing our teeth, and she asked me if I was scared during the fight. I said that I wasn’t, I just didn’t know why that one guy kept staring at us. Buffy said “I know, and he was gone before I could ask.” Then her eyes got big and she said the C word.

She said ‘crap’.

And then she said “Oh crap, don’t tell Mom I said that. Both things. The looking for the fighting guy thing and the saying that word in front of you thing, okay?”

I said okay, and then asked her why she was looking for Staring Guy. Buffy said that she wanted to find out why he was looking at us, and then told me not to worry about it. “I’m always going to look out for you,” she said.

Pretty exciting night, right? I’d tell people at school about it tomorrow, but nobody’s going to listen. I’m glad I’ve got you to tell stories to.


End file.
